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Joke of the Day

"Got laid twice in two days so either I've done something really good or my wife has done something really bad."

"ME: how long will it take to remodel my house? CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months [9 years later] CONTRACTOR: ok so we've installed 1 stair"

"I told a joke about Muhammad to a Muslim man.. And he blew up in my face!"

"I opened a sperm bank in London recently... We had a disastrous first day. Only two clients. One came on the bus; the other one missed the tube."

"*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn't reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?"

"Whats the number one cause of paedofilla? Sexy kids."

"People who decorate their cars for Christmas are in serious need of help."

"I saw a sign that said falling rocks So I tried it, and it doesn't."

"This girl came up to me today, and claimed she knew me from her vegetable club. I'd never met herbivore."

"You are so sweet... ...is your zodiac sign caries?"