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Joke of the Day

"[Followup] I'm not going to drink any more. But I won't drink any less."

"Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you."

"Whenever I drink whiskey, I turn into Kermit the Frog. I start talking funny, I turn green, and then I end up fucking a fat pig"

"What's a Californians favorite type of comedy? Dry humor"

"If school isn't the place to sleep, then home isn't the place to study."

"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way."

"[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard] me: hey"

"My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting."

"Did you hear about the guy that was born without ears? Neither did he."

"A man is complaining about his girlfriend in the late 17th century... Man: ""She's just a complete witch."" Not sure if it's an old joke, but I came up with this one at the bathroom."