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Joke of the Day

"Hey dude! Would we be considered in-laws if I slept with your wife? No... we'd be even."

"I had a date last night. Such an underrated fruit."

"After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn't shut up about how he was into her before she got big."

"How does the pig farmer get to the fair? He rides piggyback."

"I always imagined myself growing old with an archeologist, at least that way I'd know His interest in me would increase over time."

"I'm guessing the person who decided to call it 'common sense' didn't know that many people."

"[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is taco ME: four please JUDGE: we're not- ME: with chips JUDGE: ordering ME: *lips on mic* extra guac"

"Why do they call it ""Ben Folds Five""? Because he folds five penises and puts them into little drawers!"

"What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian bail."

"Mommy, what are these? ""Put them back they are sleeping pills!"" Oh, then you shouldn't yell ""Why?"" [whispering] YOU'LL WAKE THEM UP"