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Joke of the Day

"""Operator, run this licence plate please Echo Alpha Tango Alpha Delta India Charlie Kilo"" - Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired."

"Kristen Stewart is unable to be here today, so accepting the award on her behalf is this large bowl of cold mashed potatoes."

"Quite a few people aren't aware that I studied abroad for a year. Alas, she didn't teach me anything I didn't already know."

"I had my hepatitis test today.... I did pretty well! I had one A, two B's, and a C! Edit: word"

"Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord."

"After a dump, I like my poophole clean as a whistle I'm very anal about it."

"Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she's not a ""clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend"" through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM"

"What did the goat say to his friend after he cut his arm? I'm bleating all over the place!"

"Whoa whoa whoa... I was stalking her first buddy..."

"What does a parliamentarian say when they're done masturbating? ""Beating adjourned."""