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Joke of the Day

"Please ignore this status..... I am standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting."

"""Oh my god I can't believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it's spelled!!!"" - people with stupid names"

"Hey venus flytrap got you a treat how bout a big ol juicy bug open your mouth..BOOM THATS A MILK DUD you're a plant you eat sunlight idiot"

"My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her. I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work."

"Q: Where does an ape sleep? A: In an apricot."

"Personal reflection is important for anyone working in the mirror industry."

"Did you hear about the guy that was born without ears? Neither did he."

"Q: What do the bathroom doors at the funeral home say? A: His and Hearse."

"What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug"

"My oldest son come up to me today and said, I'm feeling suicidal, dad.' Hang in there, son' I said pointing at the spare room."