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Joke of the Day

"[kids fighting in the back seat] ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON'T CUT IT OUT."

"Recently I'm having a lot of bad dates! I've to try grapes now!"

"""I"" before ""E"" Except after ""old McDonald had a farm."""

"what does a frozen beer, burnt pizza, and pregnant girl all have in common? they all happened because some dumbass didn't pull it out in time."

"Took my dog to a bonfire... ...and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys."

"Reddit is like a newspaper... ...all of the headlines happened yesterday."

"The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney."

"This year's presidential election is like 69ing someone... ...no matter who comes out on top, you'll be looking at an asshole."

"if Donald trump and Hillary Clinton are on a sinking boat who survives? America"

"Dear Santa, Last year you gave me a sweater for Christmas. This year I would prefer a Moaner or a Screamer."