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Joke of the Day

"An asteroid 1,200 light years away has a 0.6% chance of colliding with the Earth, and you all just walking around like everything is fine."

"This 5p bag tax is great I can get a 10bag for 50p"

"What do clouds wear during a storm? Thunderwear"

"I was flipping through the channels.... and my wife asked was on the TV. I said ""dust"" And that's how the fight started."

"If you're having second thoughts, you're 2 ahead of most people."

"When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours."

"Saw my neighbor jogging at 1 am. ""It's a little late for you isn't it?"" I said. ""I couldn't sleep,"" he replied. ""That's not what I meant you fat fuck."""

"Loved Inception. It took me to exotic places I could never visit in real life, like the first class cabin of an airplane."

"I just crashed a massive party... ...bus. Luckily there were no major injuries"

"Today is my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Really? Yes I've been married twenty-five times!"