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Joke of the Day

"Never call a girl fat. Because she will always remember it...that's because elephants never forget."

"Why is it that lawyers get sick? It's because they are *contract*ually obligated to do so."

"""So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?"" ""The usual, self defecating."" ""Ha, I think you mean deprecating."" ""Think all you like."""

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ;)"

"I'm on that ""I don't give a fuck diet."" I've lost 10 assholes already."

"What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? One is a little heavier and the other is a little lighter."

"My kids had head lice once so please don't tell me about your home invasion..."

"If I heard the person in charge of autocorrect on iPhones was that kid who fainted during the 2004 National Spelling Bee, I'd believe it."

"My boss calls me chief, so I really don't know who's in charge anymore. I hope it's not me because I haven't been paying attention."

"""I don't want you to freak out, but..."" - someone with a shaky grasp of how anxiety works"