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Joke of the Day

"How can you tell when Ron Jeremy is finished pumping gas? He pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car!"

"[First day as hitman] ME: Don't worry boss, I'll deal with him accordionly. BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly? ME: *hides accordion* yes."

"The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we'll blow up if he goes over 15 mph."

"What is the difference between red wine and women I let the red wine breathe when I'm having sex with it."

"What is the difference between a strip club and a circus? At a circus has cunning stunts"

"How can you tell if someone is a marathon runner? Don't worry, they'll let you know."

"What's pink and has seven dents in it? Snow white's hymen"

"Isn't Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?"

"I invented a new word: *Zygorepostalgia* It's the feeling you get when you see the same joke reposted more than once in the same day and realize it wasn't funny the first time either."

"Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my ""funny"" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body..."