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Joke of the Day

"Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I'm done talking."

"Today I extended an olive branch to my enemy. As hard as I could and right in the eye."

"Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop."

"Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies."

"Why do brits have sex more than any other nationality? Because with Cameron in charge they're always going to be fucked."

"Do you think anyone has ever superglued a pair of sunglasses to their face. Wow I hope so. The ultimate level of coolness"

"A pig, trying to save its life. After seeing a grill in the garden, the pig started to bark at strangers!"

"My last gf was so Mexican... that I needed a glass of milk to toss her salad."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Ada ! Ada who ? Ada'mond is forever !"

"I feel like I'm not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don't cut and dye my hair and change my identity."