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Joke of the Day

"So I asked my wife, were you faking it last night? She said: no I really was asleep. (I heard this from Gazzo on Penn & Teller: Fool Us)"

"A wizard is walking down the street... EDIT: Then he turns into a bar. Sorry, put this in the comment rather than the text field. Guilty as charged."

"I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't."

"My local museum is trying to raise money by setting up a dinosaur fossil display. How will it work?Remains to be seen."

"What's the difference between a politician and an actor? One acts solely for money, the other is the actor."

"Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer."

"*police sirens* *Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit* QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN *throws a litter of panda cubs at me*"

"late night science fact: if u laid out your veins from end to end u would die"

"Here's a funny joke I heard about pizza oh nevermind. It's too cheesy."

"People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties."