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Joke of the Day

"[Doctor office] -How are you feeling? -Not good. -Any side effects from the medication? *cries tears of fire* -Now that you mention it..."

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine, he gets better with age..... The next day, she locked me in the cellar."

"'Mum, can I lick the bowl? ' the child asks ""No!"" Replied the mother, ""just flush like everyone else"""

"I like my pork butts like I like my women Slathered in BBQ sauce, stuffed in a pot, and then cut up when the lid doesn't fit right."

"I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming ""That's not what I said!"""

"Why did the nuke switch course? Because a girl on the ground said ""I have a boyfriend"" later that day the nuke fell into depression"

"The NRA will now be arming fetuses in utero so that they can defend themselves against abortions"

"My yoga instructor said ""sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,"" and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself."

"Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword? Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it.. Jury: *giggles*"

"Sailors really want to be cool. But they're just naut."