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Joke of the Day

"As a professional standup comedian I never do self-derogatory jokes I keep my personal life away from my professional life."

"My waterslide technique has been described as 'oafish', 'dangerous' and 'how did you get into the penguin enclosure'."

"I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidently going to work fully clothed."

"What did the gay Mexican dentist ask his boyfriend for? Oral, B."

"I wasn't trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs"

"What do you call an italian hooker (with part 2) A pastatute Where does a pastatute live? The spaghetto"

"My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist."

"I'd totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren't really a tangible physical manifestation....."

"Let's be honest: When life gives you lemons, most of you just cry to the internet about it."

"What does a Mexican duck say? Guac guac"