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Joke of the Day

"I was lying in bed yesterday... I looked up and saw the beautiful night sky, the moon, and the stars. Then I wondered... Where the fuck is my roof?"

"I was going to throw an earth day party But I forgot to planet."

"Be the change you wish to see in the world. -Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Thomas Jefferson"

"They changed something in the matrix... and now all the eigenvalues are wrong."

"What do you call a row of trucks covered in mozzarella? A cheesy pickup line"

"[Starbucks Assassins Inc] CHIEF: Write this down. Target's name is John BARISTA: [writes] Jamie C: Ok. Memorise it B: [eyes shut] Janet"

"What happened when the husband tried to deep fry his wife? She went to the battered women's shelter"

"I always wanted to be self-confident. Well, look at me now. Actually, don't."

"Trump's rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed ""Burger King fries are as good as McDonald's fries."""

"[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief] COP: *squints* Was it you? GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope"