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Joke of the Day

"What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common? Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure."

"*accidentally deletes a tweet* MY LITERATURE!"

"Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job Me: *already asleep on a folding chair* Interviewer: hang on u don't start til monday"

"e and i have an argument e says to i: get real i responds: be rational"

"My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl."

"Wife: Do the dishes Me: Can't. Holding the baby Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. Baby Wife: Change the baby Me: Can't. Doing dishes."

"Who does batman love the most Bae-ne"

"Why are there no Walmarts in Iran? Because there's a JC Penny at every corner."

"I beat my wife at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings."

"Everyone keeps telling me... Everyone keeps telling me ""There are plenty of fish in the sea"" and I keep telling them ""NO way in hell, I am gonna fuck a fish"""