102664

Joke of the Day

"I used to be terrified of my dentist. He wasn't rough with my teeth or anything, he was just a paedophile."

"Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken."

"TIL something incredibly shocking about Germany's former Chancellor... ...he was **literally** Hitler"

"Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue..... Oh you don't think that will ever be an issue, okay"

"My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, ""You're good to go, woman!"" and now the mop handle is in a funny place."

"I exercise religiously I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week."

"Mom: ""Why are your eyes dilated?"" Me: ""Your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love"" Mom: ""What were you looking at?"" Me: ""Memes"""

"My friend drowned last week, so I had a wreath made in the shape of a life jacket in his memory. I'm sure it's what he would have wanted. -Milton Jones"

"""Daaaaaaaaaaaad, what should I do with this industrial roll of bubble wrap?"" ""Just pop it in the corner please"" It took me 2 hours."

"""This week has been an emotional roller coaster. I'm gonna open up a bottle of red and take a long, hot bath."" - white women"