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Joke of the Day

"What do David Carradine and the Mets have in common? They both choke when it really matters."

"DUMBLEDORE: Say hello to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Totally-Not-Working-For-Voldemort. SNAPE: Dude, seriously?"

"I can't look my former prostitute partner in the face since someone e-mailed me pics of her in the old days. Never look giffed whores in the mouth."

"How do you get a Twinkie pregnant? How to put it in a box of Ding Dongs."

"I just ran for the train so I think I'm good on running for a couple years."

"I'm a terrorist, you're a bomb... Let's make an explosion together!"

"I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing....It didn't take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women..."

"How many Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to hold the penis. ... ... ... Er... I mean... The ladder."

"Me with megaphone: ""COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR."" Man: ""I'm fixing your roof tiles, remember?"" Me: ""I FORGOT!"""

"I spent the entire day hanging out at the swimming pool Until someone told me and I eventually tucked it back in."