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Joke of the Day

"got a meat lover's pizza with the Works: freckles, man curds, leeches, clam clits, jowls, blood clots, charred nuggets, gristle, Megan"

"""The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.""- Birds"

"MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice to my mother when she visits us this weekend dear. Fall down when she hits you."

"As a kid, I put snowballs in the blender to make a slushy. Snowballs was a good cat..."

"What's the safest place in Dallas during a tornado? The Cowboys stadium, the only place there'll never be a touchdown"

"Who ships Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio the most? Not Titanic"

"My biggest fear is that my last words before dying will be something less than poignant like, ""Gravy is nice."""

"Cop: ""Any idea why I pulled you over?"" Me: ""you've got a fat guy fetish?"" Cop: ..."

"What do you call a retired professional swimmer? Washed up."

"Did you know they were trying to ban MSG? It was called law 13 due to the fact that it abolished savory....I will show myself out."