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Joke of the Day

"One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb"

"That's weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill..."

"I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid. It was terrible. I didn't know how to react."

"The vet told me ""I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down..."" ""Oh God!"" I said. ""WHY?!"" ""Because my arms are getting tired."" he said."

"A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic."

"Turns out, telemarketers don't like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories."

"How do you sink a Swedish submarine? Knock on the hatch."

"There's nothing scarier then a mosquito coming out of Magic Johnson's house"

"[fans out the deck] Pick a card, any card.. Memorize it.. [hits you in the face with a shovel] KING OF SPADES! [walks off]"

"What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato? A dictator."