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Joke of the Day

"[NSFW] I met a girl called Michelle at a bar... Her: Hi, I am Michelle Me: I am Donaldson, but people sometimes call me Dick. Her: How do you get Dick from Donaldson? Me: You ask nicely."

"Friends are like trees... Few swings with an axe and they fall down."

"There's this guy at work who's giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow. His name was Tom."

"What did Stephen Hawking name his new hair salon The Curl Up and Dye"

"Take my advice I'm not using it."

"You know those kinds of Reddit posts that just frustrate you to death? [removed]"

"What's got two wings, a tail and twenty five pricks? England's return flight."

"What do you call the yellow ones? -Yellow labs. And the black ones? -Black labs. So the brown ones are- -No we named those after dog poison."

"My kids outgoing voice mail message says,,"" I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."""

"Hungry? The hell with a snickers. Look to her cleavage, you'll find at least two snacks there and maybe some stray popcorn."