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Joke of the Day

"A senior partner with a herniated disc limps into a conference room Coworker 1: ""I feel like the world's moving in slow motion"" (pause) Coworker 1: ""Oh wait, it's just Charlie"" (motions at partner)"

"Modern art.. I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art? I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror!"

"This year for Christmas you are getting jeans with the pockets cut out. So you can have clothes and something to play with."

"If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet."

"Why did the pentagon change it's name to the square? Because they were cutting corners."

"Why is almond milk called almond milk? Because nobody would drink it if it was called nut juice."

"What did Nicolas Cage say when his daughters grades came through? Oh God, not the B's!"

"I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS 'WIFEY MATERIAL'! WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?"

"What did Donald Trump say to the Mexicans? You're hired! But don't tell anyone."

"Okay, I'm lost... Can someone please lend me Facebook: Seasons 1 and 2 ???"