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Joke of the Day

"When people ask, ""Don't I know you from somewhere?"", I reply ""Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."""

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off"

"Keep the Earth clean! Its not Uranus."

"Remember when Taco Bell's slogan was ""run for the border""? Doesn't that seem really racist now... that would be like KFC's slogan being ""go back to Africa"""

"I took a girl back to my flat. ""You haven't removed many bras have you?"" she sighed. ""What gave it away?"" ""The scissors, mainly."""

"Why did the funny kid in class have no friends? The rest of the students were scared of class clowns..."

"I went to the zoo today. All they had was one dog. It was a shit zoo"

"The militia had killed my entire family and left me for dead. Thank God for Buzzfeed's 17 Pictures That Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity."

"Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we'll decide if it's positive or negative."

"I wanted to bake a cake from scratch, but I'm out of scratch."