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Joke of the Day

"What's a Pirates worst nightmare? A sunken chest and no booty"

"Me: ""Stay back! I'm an expert when it comes to karate!"" *mugger approaches* Me: ""Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands."""

"I kill people for a living with my jokes! HAHAHAHAHHAHA FUCK YOU"

"my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds"

"My cat yells at me like she's my mother."

"I bet hipsters love Mondays just to be ironic, but mostly because they're unemployed."

"2017 ""Did you just assume my species?"""

"A father walks up to his son... and says to him, ""Do we have any more dopted?"" The son says, ""What's a dopted?"" ""You are!"" ""Dad, that's not funny."" ""I'm not your dad!"" (Credit to my bartender Casey)"

"Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Actually agents will screw in just about anything."

"Even after repeated search attempts, the atom couldn't find its lost electron... Yet, on the brighter side, it remained positive."