100277

Joke of the Day

"A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive."

"I always like to keep $7000.00 on me in case I wanna stop at Whole Foods and get some fruit"

"I can speak any language. I just don't understand what I'm saying in anything but english."

"My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her And according to the judge, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend"

"How warm is the inside of a Tauntaun? Lukewarm."

"Why did it take so long to see a picture of Saint West? Because he was a Tidal exclusive."

"[first day as a bartender] Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade"

"I cant get on Tumblr anymore... My doctor told me to cut down on Trans-Fats"

"[in bed] Her: Easy, cowboy. I'm not having unprotected sex. Me: No worries! Her: Where are you going? Me: To lock the front door. Her: ..."

"Why did the door to door sales man get nervous and run away? He was selling In-Security Heh yeah i dunno i thought it up in a dream and I'm still half asleep bye"