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Joke of the Day

"*goes to bathroom *takes out phone *opens Twitter *finishes *pulls pants up *flushes *forgets to poop"

"Hot tip: Apparently it's frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest"

"I got some weed and hoes. Let's do some gardening!"

"A good girl bends at the knees... A great girl bends at the hip."

"Pope should record an album to remake Vatican's image. The problem is picking which robe to wear when making a video w/ Lady Gaga"

"I would make a 9/11 joke But that would just be plane wrong."

"I've been retracing my steps and now I have all these outlines of feet on my floor and still no keys."

"What docyou call it when a Soviet dies comedy? Stand up Commedy"

"Nothing like an episode of ""I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"" to make you feel like a Harvard double major."

"What do you call a black guy who was stabbed by a Mexican? An ambulance."