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Joke of the Day

"I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire."

"Obama and Putin are fighting over a phone charger. You might even say they're in a power struggle."

"You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice."

"If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I'm charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet."

"If you only had 1% battery left on your phone, what would you tweet? Because clearly we'd still tweet."

"What did one orphan say to the other? ""Robin! Get in the batmobile"""

"What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog? [nsfw] At least when you are eating pussy, you can see the asshole infront of you."

"A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!"

"Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me."

"I once knew two ranchers named Jim.... They had a thousand cattle between them. One night while unwaken. Their cattle were taken. My Jimmy's were rustled, shagrin."