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Joke of the Day

"Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the strip club. Teen: Of course not dad! Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house."

"What's the difference between Jesus and other carpenters? Jesus may actually return some day."

"the grocery store guy left the eggplant out of the bag because he must have known i was gonna eat it on the drive home"

"Your Mother.. Your mother is so classless she could be marxist utopia."

"Subway must have introduced a new Genius feature, because they just suggested I might like a drink with my sandwich. I do. Nailed it."

"SURGEON: *cutting open patient's torso* NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement! SURGEON: there's a Pokemon in there"

"Marriage is like a hand of cards... You start off with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing for clubs and a spade."

"iPhones need a feature where an incoming call doesn't take up the whole screen so u can do other things while u ignore a phone call"

"Why didn't DiCaprio laugh at Oscar joke? Because he didn't get it."

"One man's hoe is probably another man's hoe too."