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Joke of the Day

"Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don't catch slurpees."

"Moby jumped over a mountain.... of air. . . . . . . What did you expect?"

"Fact: A childless person coined the phrase ""Sleep like a baby."""

"Perfect one night stand: Amish person. No internet access. No phones. In the heat of passion they'll whisper the secret to apple butter."

"On talk shows, whenever the celebrity guest takes a casual sip from their branded mug, I like to imagine it's full of blood"

"I went to a baseball game with my dad last night. It was pretty fun, we even got on the jumbotron! Then I noticed it was the Emotional Unavailability Cam."

"Don't hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook."

"ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing? PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don't know."

"Falafel is a weird name cuz I actually falgreat every time I eat one"

"I'm selling my parachute. Mint condition. Never opened, only used once"