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Joke of the Day

"I walked into a bar tonight carrying some jumper cables... Bartender told me not to start any shit in here!"

"Coffee so strong, you finish the ""to do"" list, that you haven't even written yet."

"[first date] *Ok don't let her know you're a vampire* ""Would you like a mint?"" *reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000* ""Dammit"""

"Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the 'Dime Store', great, now I've got to go all the way to the 70s."

"My stepdad hates it when I call him Bernie... He's really sensitive a about his scars..."

"If embryos are people, ultrasounds are child pornography"

"Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that's sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that'll turn you on."

"Subway must have introduced a new Genius feature, because they just suggested I might like a drink with my sandwich. I do. Nailed it."

"Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?"

"What did the scientist say when he discovered the lowest possible temperature? OK"