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Joke of the Day

"Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?"

"I like to move it move it You like to move it it"

"Cop: Maybe it's your driving. Maybe you're drunk. Me: Maybe it's Maybelline."

"If you still talk about it, you still care about it."

"Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty? W: Yes Me: WOOHOO!"

"Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? ...when he found out, the guy went nut."

"What do you get when hou bring a Greek and a Swede together? Moose-saka"

"[slashing food truck tires] friend: wtf are you doing?! [running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!"

"Me: My son totaled another car. Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons? M: yes P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO ARUBA!"

"What do you name the male and female twin monkeys? Abe and Anna"