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Joke of the Day

"Two peanuts where walking down the street... One was assaulted."

"My eyes are puffy and watery. People at work are going to think I've been crying. That should squash the rumors that I'm a heartless bitch."

"How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb? Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her."

"[pitch meeting] Okay so it's a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of 'em. I call it ""100 Dalmatians."" [idea man pipes in] Let's think bigger"

"Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol"

"So I'm reading that ""twerking"" and ""selfie"" have been added to the dictionary. ""Future"" and ""optimism"" have been removed..."

"I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving."

"I saw my calculator hitting on someone the other day. He's a real casionova"

"I woke up this morning to find chinese writing all over my bedroom walls. I couldn't understand it."

"You can get a tiny tablecloth for a DOLLHOUSE from Pottery Barn for $18.99, or I could just come over and punch you in the face for free?"