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Joke of the Day

"If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey."

"Why couldn't the laptop go to sleep? Because it has two shifts."

"I can't believe after all this shit they're still together! Our ass-cheeks really deserve some respect."

"Every time I survive a sneeze while driving on the freeway it feels like I jumped out of a plane w/out a chute and lived."

"Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet."

"What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac."

"There's no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually."

"January 1, 1990 Go change it."

"Bend over and take it like a taxpayer."

"Domestic abuse joke I went to a restaurant the other night and my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered real slow because obviously she can't listen."