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Joke of the Day

"I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate."

"What did the homeless men yell when they hit each other with cardboard? Pillow fight!"

"I don't want to lock my account because I like to help my X's feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I'm still a drunk."

"How did the date go? -Not good. Aww what went wrong? -*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn't my type."

"When's the best time to go skydiving? Fall."

"It's never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook."

"Me: Okay... Time for bed. Brain: Cool. Me: Brain: Me: Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry... or Perry??"

"Angry Birds? Hmmph. In my day we had real entertainment. For instance, have you seen the classic film ""The Birds?"" It's about Angry Birds."

"Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. . A good example: ""I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday..."

"4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant. I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said: ""I never want to do that again."""