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Joke of the Day

"[Truth or Dare] Her: What's your biggest secret? Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of 'em"

"Wanna get rich? Buy my book, 'How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95' for only $39.95."

"If Anderson Cooper shows up in your country you're fucked. He's pretty much the Angel of Death."

"Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?"

"Why should you always bring an iPhone to Mos Eisley Cantina? Because droids can't get service."

"What does a virgin woman and a shotgun have In common? One cock and they're ready to burst. EDIT: grammar, thanks /u/J7T12"

"""WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!"" ""EARTH"" ""WIND"" ""WATER"" ""FIRE"" ""HEART"" ""SELF-LOATHING"" get outta here Eli ""SORRY"""

"How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's a hardware problem"

"I thought the big NYC ball was mechanically operated but I guess not. I heard Mariah Carey dropped it last night during her performance."

"What's the difference between abortion and terrorism? Terrorism is funded by the US government!"