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Joke of the Day

"The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee."

"[my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell] BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with? ME: a kiss? B: don't do that"

"Did do hear about the part of my house that died from a drug overdose? He was an attic"

"I put more effort into making it look like I'm doing my job than I do doing my actual job."

"My wife informs me that today our 2YO daughter said, ""fart,"" and laughed uproariously. Three times. So, yeah. That one's mine."

"Don't ever compete against Heinz... You're always going to play catch up."

"Your money or your life by Stan Den Deliver"

"Did you hear about the stupid turkey? It was looking forward to Christmas!"

"Daniel Day-Lewis walks into a bar. Bartender says, ""What'll it be?"" but he already knows because he's also Daniel-Day Lewis."

"What's the diffrence between a Chickpea and a Gorbanzo bean? I woun't pay a 100 bucks for a Gorbanzo bean on my face."