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Joke of the Day

"I've compiled a list of women I'd like to sleep with for your viewing pleasure: 1.) You 2.) Every other woman in the world"

"When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called Defendant."

"I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst."

"[buying cucumber and vaseline] me: got an awesome night planned clerk: eugh [later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich] this is awful"

"""Stop anthropomorphising me, bitch""- my cat, while i'm writing this."

"What is the only word in an English dictionary spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly is the only word spelled I n c o r r e c t l y"

"I was going to tell a gay joke Butt fuck it"

"A lot of people say that alt-right would be good for America. I'll try it if Ctrl-alt-delete doesn't work."

"Please, by all means, call my landline. I'll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon"

"What does the physicist have to eat when he goes to the pub? Fission chips."