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Joke of the Day

"First Time F: they say the first time hurts, is that true? M: I don't know, but I don't think so. F: they say that every time M: amateurs"

"""I'd like one personal pizza please"" Pizza: Your life's a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother. ""Whoa maybe not that personal"""

"[caveman scratches a cave painting of an elephant onto the cave wall] ELEPHANT: delete it"

"What did Truman Burbank's father say to him? Don't you worry don't you worry child, Seahaven's got a plan for you"

"What did one volcano call the other volcano? An Ash-hole."

"Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I've seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best."

"A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn't know by now where babies come from it's not my place to tell her"

"What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common? Immigrants"

"Why does Santa have a large sack? Because he only cums once a year"

"Why can't Hellen Keller Drive? She's a Woman.... No, Seriously, it's cause she's dead."