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Joke of the Day

"[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids] 5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken. Me: What's wrong with it? 5: It doesn't even cut off arms."

"What does a Jew, in Poland with a Stomach ache have? The Auschits"

"Walking by the lingerie section Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway. Me: Uh huh."

"If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road."

"Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute and everybody loses their shit!"

"What happened to the embarrassed bungalow on the street of two story houses? It got stares."

"Sometimes when I cum, I scream really loudly because people should knock before opening a bathroom stall."

"[wearing World's Best Dad shirt] Wife: whys there blood on your shirt? Me: its not my blood Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt"

"How many sexual orientations does a physicist have? Six: Up, Down, Strange, Charm, Top and Bottom."

"A day before the elections Hillary tells Bill: ""You know, tomorrow there will be two presidents in one bed."" Next day Bill asks Hillary: ""So.. do I wait Trump here or should I go over to his place?"""