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Joke of the Day

"*rubs lamp* *genie comes out* You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes. ""I wish for more genies."" I SAID NO WI- oooh, you're good."

"s/o to the fact that ketchup is a smoothie b/c tomatoes are fruits lol DIDNT SEE THAT ONE COMING DID U FRIES OMNOMNOM"

"If the Trader Joe's cashier doesn't say ""I love these"" about anything you're buying, you have to put it all back and start over. #sorrybro"

"I hate it when people ask me where I'll be in five years. Come on folks, I'm not going to live that long."

"You know how I deal with migraines? I store them in migranary."

"How do Russians drive to Alaska? By bearing straight"

"Guess which city got the best black Friday deals? Ferguson, it was a steal."

"Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I'm up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother."

"Why do sharks hate clowns? They taste funny"

"People always complain that I'm ""out there."" [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]"