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Joke of the Day

"guy at seaworld: ""it's a cross between an eel and a shark, we're asking everyone to pick a name for him"" wife: ""steve"" me: ""sharkeel o'neal"""

"""Wanna come to a party?"" ""Sure. I'd love to spend two whole hours standing around while people recommend TV shows to me I'll never watch."""

"Why does Richard have a small dick? Because Dick is short for Richard."

"I caught my girlfriend giving a midget a blowjob... ...I can't believe she'd stoop that low."

"My iPhone does NOT rule my life. Battery - Don't worry, Siri. I got this."

"Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates. They'll kill your dog."

"What's the difference between Bill Cosby and Lena Dunham? Lena Dunham wrote the book about it."

"Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can't love me at my bad jokes, you don't deserve me at my cat photos."

"What's worse than getting dumped by your girlriend? Getting denied by a car when hitch-hiking."

"*pulls up to window* Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I'll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*"