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Joke of the Day

"The woman next door was flashing me from her upstairs bedroom . How she got her car in there I'll never know."

"If I offer you some of my gummy worms, I am just trying to be polite. Don't you fucking dare take any."

"How does Donald Trump plan to silence the terrorists? Muzzle 'em"

"Where does a divine beaver live? A God Dam!"

"Relationship between men and women is psychological. She is psycho and he is logical."

"How can you tell when a salesperson is lying? His lips are moving."

"""Something's wrong. He's never walked this far before.""- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them."

"I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour ""No way. That's impossible!"" she said. ""Trust me,"" I said, ""I have no idea where our baby is."""

"I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again"

"The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that's obviously not working."