92679

Joke of the Day

"The Physics Department didn't like my Stephen Hawking jokes... ...They all got bent out of shape."

"Whoa I'm floating! Am I...dead? ""No it's a dream"" What a relief! Wait. Who said that? Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit Uh nobody go back to sleep"

"I've never vaccinated any of my kids... I just pay the pediatrician to do it."

"The Last Man on Earth I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth. At least I'd find out if all those girls were telling the truth."

"Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that"

"What do you say when German secret police is bugging you? geSTAHPo!"

"Professor: ""Did you just show up drunk to my exam?"" No way ""Hungover then?"" Nope ""There's a lime wedge on your face"""

"What kind of khakis do birds wear? Khakaws!"

"Should I ever go missing, please don't let the news use my 7th grade picture."

"What's the difference between a lobster with big boobs and a greyhound bus stop? One is a crusty bus station, one is a busty crustacean."