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Joke of the Day

"COWORKER: I'm going to my friend's lake house this weekend for a party. ME: *lying* I also have friends."

"The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite So he went back four seconds."

"Had to stop watching Game of Thrones with my parents tonight, because of all the sex. So I've recorded it to watch after they've finished."

"Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie"

"Honey I Shrunk The Kids And Then I Shrunk The Lawnmower And They Are Riding It Around My Head And Giving Me A Haircut It Is Awesome"

"How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?? None. They just beat the room for being black"

"Once upon a time the hardest decision we had to make was to choose our favorite color in a crayon box..."

"Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes."

"I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN"

"Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse."