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Joke of the Day

"What happens when you plant a sesame seed? Does a sesame grow? What is a sesame? Where my botanists at? Where the hell am I?"

"What's the difference between life and a prostitute? You have to pay a prostitute to fuck you"

"Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? ...because he's too short to be called an essay."

"ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe [5 hrs later] ME: ok fine maybe ur right WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant"

"Most people think it is perfectly okay to recharge a battery. I think it's revolting."

"I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it."

"How many Highlanders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE."

"You know, redheads... are pumpkin spiced all year round."

"When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she'd hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old"

"I miss dating The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window..."