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Joke of the Day

"my fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that i lied about on my drivers license"

"My doc said that I should stop smoking and drinking immediately. What does he care what I'm doing in the waiting room?"

"The year is 42069. We've stopped changing the date, it's just always the year 42069 and people spell their names with emojis. It's awesome."

"So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its ""back"", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?"

"How bad is it when a nations power crisis can only be solved by a couple of hydroelectric plants? Two dam bad! (OC!)"

"Have you heard the one about the bed? No? That's 'cause it hasn't been made yet."

"""Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you."" *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud."

"As confused as an atheist who's stuck behind a car that isn't moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love God"

"What do you call a clock you wear on your belt? A waist of time"

"I used to work at a public swimming pool But I got fired because every time I saw an Islamic family I pointed to the no bombing sighn"