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Joke of the Day

"People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy."

"Did you know Helen Keller is on the back of the Alabama quarter? ""No, and I bet she hasn't heard about it."" ""She probably hasn't seen it either."""

"Bernie demands change... whereas Hillary prefers cards or cheques."

"I went to ferguson and all I got was this stupid T-Shirt And this cash register, and this Xbox, and this flat screen tv."

"A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt."

"I was chatting up this woman. I said, ""You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum."" ""Aww,"" she smiled, ""Can you?"" I said, ""Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."""

"""I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won't want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!"" - cats"

"How did Moses make his tea?"

"Interviewer asked me why I'd make a good waiter? Me: You could say I...bring a lot to the table."

"What did the bell say when it fell in the water? I'm wringing wet."