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Joke of the Day

"I used to date loose women but my cock kept slipping out."

"LPT: Never buy anything made of velcro... It's a total rip-off."

"My father died recently and I came into a bunch of money. I decided to buy a car and pay cash... and the man at the dealership asked me, ""Why are all these bills so sticky?!"""

"I used to dislike the idea of having a beard ... but it slowly grew on me."

"Married men aren't allowed to go the grocery store alone because we're the kid in the shopping cart, but with money"

"The bad news is I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap."

"I am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call, text, Facebook or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you."

"Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste."

"Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM."

"My gf told me to stop being childish, she just wants to come in for a talk not my fault she cant remember the password to my pillow fortress"