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Joke of the Day

"BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities."

"I like my men, like I like my coffee. So hot, that I have to keep blowing."

"son you're getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own; bathing the cat for starters"

"I hate being bi-polar.It's awesome."

"After 3 months of Crest White Strips, my teeth are so white they bought me a gift card to Anthropologie & wont stop talking about Mad Men."

"Things I use my car for, from most to least: 1)Tweeting while parked 2)Snacking 3)Transporting bugs that can fly but are lazy 4)Driving"

"Darth Vader: What is the temperature of my son's lightsaber? Lukewarm."

"Hipsters hate rivers. Too mainstream."

"Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen? Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room..."

"Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids."