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Joke of the Day

"Q.What do me and a mirror have in common? A.When we see your face we both crack up!"

"BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead 911: did u murder him? BLACK WIDOW: uh 911: ma'am BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*"

"Hey! Need an ark! I noah a guy."

"Doctor: I have two pieces of bad news for you. One is that you have cancer and is going to die soon. The other is that you have Alzheimers. Patient: Oh. But at least I don't have cancer."

"Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for."

"My son has just earned his first boy scout award for 'video gaming'. I guess the next ones will be for 'social ineptitude' & 'pale skin'."

"What if we've got it backwards? Maybe mustaches have a thing for pedophiles."

"What do you call it when you make sandwiches at a sleepover? Peanut butter and jammies!"

"Remember when Taco Bell's slogan was ""run for the border""? Doesn't that seem really racist now... that would be like KFC's slogan being ""go back to Africa"""

"[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome] well hello there mister home wrecker"