90912

Joke of the Day

"Just got a call from the wife saying she'd broken the wing mirror. Just got a call from the wife saying she'd broken the wing mirror. I asked ""How the hell did you do that""? ""The car rolled on it""."

"*adds resume embellisher to resume*"

"My friend is dressing as an owl for Halloween he's a hoot to be around"

"How amazing is Michael Phelps? He's got like a Brazilian Medals."

"Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl Me: SWEET! Mr. Buffalo: And a boy Me: So, I guess you could say he's your... Bi-son"

"I'm not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs."

"Imagine that you were tired of living in a police state and decided to leave Russia for good a while ago, and bought a small house in Crimea."

"Real Estate Agent: Do you want to look at the model homes? Me: I'm flattered you think I'm a model but I'll just look at the regular homes"

"I thought about doing anal But I figured my dick has gotten me in enough shit already"

"[accidentally calls teacher ""mom""] MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something. ME: what's for dinner tonight BRAIN: what"